Sometimes, You Lose

I have been struggling to articulate how I feel, and it is a strange thing – a strange feeling I have trouble accepting.

What it comes down to is the awful feeling of rejection. Wrongly labeled rejection.

Ever since learning my plans for the next few years would not be so, I have been an array of emotions; angry, upset, outraged, sad, and hurt. Like, butt hurt.

The more I try to write about it, the more I just get stuck on this idea that I wasn’t good enough.

But that is so wrong and I know that it is wrong. Perhaps I have been very narrow-minded.

The cliché says that we are going to get so many No’s before we get a Yes, but that really, we only need one Yes. I believe this to be true.

Which leads to why I feel so shitty about myself lately. This opportunity was mine and it was taken away and it feels like it was my one yes. And this was it. I screwed up my one yes.

But that’s what’s wrong with my thinking. I said “one yes”. Why can’t we have multiple “yes’s”?

Maybe Yes and No are fluid, like sexuality and the weather. Sometimes a no is disguised as a yes and a yes is just teasing you. And perhaps it’s neither – maybe it was always just a maybe.

But not to contradict – in any relationship you have in life, a yes is a yes and a no is a no, and those decisions are to be respected and followed. However, I think sometimes there is flexibility in how we interpret these answers. There’s flexibility with how we choose to act about these answers.

I’m starting to accept that this simply wasn’t my story to tell. This wasn’t what the universe wanted from me. And that’s okay.

This long winded yes that I was riding on was always just a maybe.

It’s time to let this go. I’ve been holding all of this inside of me too long and it’s just not healthy.

I’m going to turn this loss into a win.

Step 1: What have I learned?

I have learned that I am very capable. I am clever, and strong, and willing to put up a fight for what I care for. I have learned to communicate with others even when it’s difficult to understand the other side. I have learned to center my locus of control, and to change what I can and should change and to accept the reality of what is out of reach. I have learned to love the word “yet” – because what is yet to come is unknown, and instead of being afraid of it, I should be excited.

Step 2: What should I work on?

I need to focus on what I actually want out of this. What do I want to do next? The world is open now, and there are so many ways I can go. I should focus on articulating my strengths and testing them, exercising them every day.

Step 3: Make a plan – and DO IT.

This is always the hardest part. This is the part where fear kicks in. Where the intense self-doubt and self-hate really have the best angle to do some serious damage. They have already done enough, and it’s time to put my foot down and actually do.

I hope this works out.

And that’s it.

I finally feel like I can move on and it’s all going to be okay somehow.

I just want to take a minute and share what others have been so kind to share with me. It’s okay not to know everything. It’s okay to feel what you feel and to be vulnerable. Give yourself a chance – give yourself a high five every now and then, cuz you’re doing alright boo. Don’t give up on yourself – you are worth a second shot 😊

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