The motivation levels are low. The responsibilities are high. The answer is to just get on with it, but my reaction is to just not. I’ve resorted to focusing even more than usual on music and being with friends, and I have mentally checked out from my classes. And what’s even worse, I’m not even really sure I care about my lack of motivation.
The buzz for summer and graduation around the corner has seeped into the souls of the senior class at NCC, and the energy levels are high — just not for school.
It’s wonderful. I feel like I’m making friends everywhere I go! I have been going out a little bit more, allowing myself to sleep in, and *gasp* giving myself time to eat a full meal each day. The hungry, tired days have lessened, and the sun is shining!
I’m taking care of myself — A feat I have been trying to master since I started school here! And for a while there, I believed I can do it all; I can go out for drinks with friends and then turn around and go to class and ace that test! My school/work/friends balance was a-okay! Until it wasn’t.
As we are nearing the end of the term, several things have begun to hit, and rather than facing them head on, I’ve realized I’ve been distracting myself from them. This phase of distraction is what we all like to call; senioritis.
However, senioritis is more than a phase of distraction. It is the sensation that time has slowed down. This is a result of a lack of motivation or stamina to continue working at the same level as before. It gives you a false sense of time; like you have more time than before, so therefore it is okay to procrastinate.
We are at 3 weeks to graduation. This past week was incredibly busy, I’m surprised I made it out with a level head. We picked up our caps and gowns! I took 3 tests in the span of 4 days, and I performed at my last NCC Composition Concert. Coming up, my internship will be starting soon, and I need to get started on prepping for it. I also need to figure out where I will be living, where my business might go, if I decide to move forward with it, think more seriously about a career and income and basic survival while somehow still getting to music and spend time with friends and family — But mostly I need to get it together so I can graduate and move on with life.
After spending a couple of weeks just glazing through my classes and responsibilities, I am forced to deal with the consequences of my lack of effort to put something together that I can be happy with, and proud of. My goal at the start of this term was to end strong. And up until recently, I was trying so hard but I’ve run out of steam. It’s like I’m walking through a fog of graduation anticipation, hungry to just be done with all of this.
On the flip side, this wave of senioritis has had it’s pros. During this time, I have spent more time with friends, and have even made some new friends and become closer with people I never thought I would be. Right when I thought I would not be making any new friends at NCC since I’m graduating is when I’ve made the most friends (outside of freshman year, cuz let’s face it everyone’s new and no one likes to be alone). I have also spent more time doing one of my favorite things; music! I’ve been practicing and writing more, and it’s been delightful.
However, this cloud of senioritis must come to an end. Underneath the fog, my brain is humming with questions. I’m beginning to wonder if I have truly accomplished the goals I set out for myself as a freshman. I’m having trouble remembering these goals, which makes me afraid that maybe I didn’t even get close. Or perhaps I’ve changed my mind, and those goals are no longer relevant. Who know’s? I am questioning whether or not I majored in the right thing, or if the things I invested my time in are going to help me find my place in this world post-graduation.
I feel directionless, not because I don’t know that I do have some paths I can go down and establish a life with, but because of a fear of settling for something I might regret. It’s all very silly, in retrospect, however, I have been known for being a tad dramatic. I’m afraid that making the wrong choice now or within the next few months will just send me down a spiraling black hole.
So naturally, my response has to go to what’s familiar; music and friends. Likely, that will never change, but if I want something more out of my limited days on this earth, I need to be the change (I know it’s very cliche). I’ve decided to set goals for myself and to check myself. I’m not sure what those are going to be just yet. I have some more thinking and wandering around to figure that out.
Let’s hope this senioritis comes to an end, I can meet my goal of finishing strong! Wish me luck!